Bubba.

So I've been debating about writing this post for awhile now. Part of me feels as though it's inappropriate for me to talk about my brother and his passing in such a public, superficial space. Another large part realizes that there is so much more to life than bridal showers and home improvement projects and that I should probably start acknowledging it.  I guess I'm finally talking because I've been inspired. Inspired by anger. Inspired by confusion. And inspired by compassion.

Sibling love.

What first got me opening up was the frustration and anger I felt on Memorial Day. Yes, my brother was an active serviceman when he passed, but that's not why I had a tough day. In fact, the whole Memorial weekend was fairly uneventful and mostly just consisted of drinking margaritas and shopping around with my momma. Rather, it was the fact that the local news that evening chose to run a story on my brother's passing without my family's knowledge or consent. A sort of human interest story on a vet who had passed. While the details of how and why this story came to end up on the news is no longer important, it did teach me a valuable lesson. It made me realize that the reason why I was so upset was that a stranger was telling my family's story and that I could fix the situation, not by getting angry, but rather by taking the responsibility to tell it myself. Pretending like his death didn't happen and not acknowledging this fact out loud doesn't change a single thing and I'm not winning any dignified points by navigating this craziness privately. So here it goes.

Bubba and I at my high school graduation.

 It's been 5 and a half months since my brother's passing and the strongest emotion that I currently feel is confused. Not confused as to how or why he died. I think I've accepted that. Just confused as to the appropriate way to deal with all of this. Sometimes I feel like I'm handling this all a little too well and that I'm coming across as callous. Other times I feel like it's my job to hold it together and be strong and that any deviation from that is selfish and indulgent. But most of the time, I have no idea what to feel. Grief is something that looks and feels different every day and you are constantly having to reassess how to cope and carry it with you. I guess what I have taken away so far is that losing a close family member is bigger, deeper, and more profound than any of us could ever understand and that I will probably spend the rest of my life reevaluating how it has changed me. 

All gown up.

 Finally, I'm compelled to share because of the outpouring of love and support I have received. So many people have come to me with their own stories of loss and I am totally blown away. At first I feel awful that I never knew about this tragedy in their life, but then I'm amazed by the fact that they survived it. I might not be able to see all the little broken bits inside that they are still trying to reassemble, just like me. However, because of that, I can see that they haven't let loss dictate their lives and I am beginning to see that it's OK to not let it. In fact, you almost can't if you want to get up out of bed everyday and keep enjoying life. In the end, I guess it is something that I will have to walk with everyday, but at least I'm still walking.

My special place for Bubba.

Wedding Post: Staying under budget.

Throwing a wedding is tough. Throwing a wedding for under $10,000? Herculean.  You've got to cut costs without cutting corners.

Here's a rundown of places we saved some dough:

Not hiring a wedding planner. Instead, hubs and I managed the details which in the long run made for a much more personal day. The Knot Book of Wedding Lists became my new bible. We did however, hire a "day of" coordinator, which I highly recommend for any one who is a fan of their sanity.

Buying my dress off the rack. Once you accept the fact that at the end of the day, it is still just a dress that you wear once, then saving money begins to sound a bit more romantic than a trip to a designer boutique. By shopping at a vendor who came through town with designer samples, I was able to get a $1500 gown for less than half the original cost. Win.

Purchasing everything else off of Etsy. Instead of paying over $200 for a chapel length veil, I payed $40. Instead of $250 for a bridal belt with cheap rhinestones, I got mine for $140, handmade. 

Win. Win.

Having the ceremony and the reception in the same location. This kept rental fees much lower than they would have been, guests didn't have any extra traveling, and the ever-enjoyable cocktail hour could begin promptly :-)

Using our Costco membership. No really, I'm not kidding. We not only got crazy deals on our invitation suite and printing our wedding photos ($45 for ALL of them!), but we also bought a new printer and ink that we used to print the wedding programs ourselves.

Getting a friend to officiate the wedding. We had a close family friend ordained online for only $30 and in return got a ceremony that was moving and meaningful.

Only using live flowers for bouquets and boutonnieres. For everything else we used bare branches that we spray painted in metallics. I mean if it's going to die the next day anyway, might as well use something that's already dead! Where we did use real flowers, we chose blooms that are grown year round and are voluminous in size (i.e. David Austen roses, baby's breath, hydrangeas, carnations).

Bringing in your own booze and only serving beer and wine. This way we could buy it all wholesale and just pay a minor corking fee. Also, with all that money saved, you can get booze that people actually want to drink and then it won't bother them one bit to do without cocktails.

Use only a small display cake and then serve sheet cake. It tastes the same, no one can tell the difference, and saves a buttload (yes that is an actual form of measurement) of money. Plus, then your guests can actually eat cake right after your cake cutting. Also, by saving said buttload, you can get a cake that...wait for it...tastes good! Use buttercream frosting instead of fondant (cheaper anyway) and splurge on luxury fillings (we used fresh raspberry jelly and Stumptown espresso mousse).

Know when to use the handy iPod. The hubs and I are blessed by an array of absurdly talented musician friends and therefore, we were able to have live music for the ceremony and most of the reception for a minimal cost. However, they are our friends first and foremost, not wedding slaves, and so we wanted to give them a break to sit back, eat, and enjoy themselves. We used Dixieland jazz (the hubs downloaded 40 songs for $10.99 off iTunes) on the iPod for cocktail hour and dinner. People are so loud and distracted at this point anyway, why waste live music on them.

All photos (except the first, you can thank Instagram for that one) courtesy of Kaela.Mey Photography!

Birthday Bliss.

Last weekend I celebrated my 26th birthday with the hubs and beloved friends and family. Here's what went down:

saw a show.

played hookie from work.

drove up the coast with the hubs instead.

found a lighthouse.

more importantly, found brews.

and seafood other than mo's.

continued voyage in search of jellies.

and sharks that can fly.

did a little deep sea diving. vintage style.

finally arrived in Portland. pretended like I wouldn't be in my bathing suit in Vegas in 2 weeks.

enjoyed opulent fine dining at El Gaucho.

hit the streets of the city I miss the most.

rubbed elbows with the beautiful people.

urban farmed.

swapped birthday cake for apple pie. 

(yes I know I have a lot of pictures of food. yes my idea of a good time is eating.)

returned home with all the birthday swag.

Wedding Post: Sweet Stationary Success

Nothing sets the tone of a fabulous fête quite like a beautiful invitation suite. And yet, quality invitations and its family of stationary can cost a pretty penny. Pennies that I just was not willing to spend on what is, at the end of the day, still just paper.

The key for me was to stay on budget, but still make an impact by finding continuity and expressing some personality. I struck gold when I found these Save-the-Date postcards from Alexander & Co. on Pinterest.

 These babies knocked me head over heels with their retro vibe. So much so that they inspired the overall retro, New Years theme for the rest of the wedding. Alexander & Co. was amazing at customizing the artwork to create an Art Deco, concert playbill. It matched both the venue and our personalities and they even changed the dancing couples' hair color to match our own (if only they could make hubs not so white..)! And to make things even sweeter, because they were postcards, the postage was cheaper!

I loved the end product so much that we even printed it as a 8x11 and hung it in our bedroom :-)

Then, on to the actual invitations. We wanted something that would coordinate well with the Save-the-Dates and kept us under budget. So we came up with this...

...which we bought from.....wait for it.....COSTCO! Yup, the same place where you can also buy 2 years worth of toilet paper also makes adorable stationary at that same lovable Costco price. It's technically a partnership with Wedding Paper Divas, but you get to shop as a Costco member.

We also chose to have friends and family RSVP either online or on the phone. Much more cost effective and even the old folks in the fam were able to figure it out. In the end the key is to scrimp, but not sacrifice!

Goin' to the chapel.

Wedding posts to come soon!

P.S. Aren't my friends beyond adorable?

Reduce. Reuse. Recycle.

Just purchased a sweet new vase from TJ Maxx (also known as the place where my paycheck goes to die) made of white shells!

Ever since we got rid of the Christmas tree, the hubs and I have felt that this corner of the living room felt a little lacking. So voila! Enter said vase and fill it with gold branches left over from the wedding.

Just doing my humble part to save Mother Earth.

It's about time.

Just purchased new ikat and burlap pillows from Cost Plus World Market this weekend!

They have found a cozy abode in our home office, which after 6 months of living here I have finally stopped ignoring. No longer shall it be the unspoken room of the house where wedding decorations go to die.

Better late than never, right?

I think this deserves a just reward.