Bubba.

So I've been debating about writing this post for awhile now. Part of me feels as though it's inappropriate for me to talk about my brother and his passing in such a public, superficial space. Another large part realizes that there is so much more to life than bridal showers and home improvement projects and that I should probably start acknowledging it.  I guess I'm finally talking because I've been inspired. Inspired by anger. Inspired by confusion. And inspired by compassion.

Sibling love.

What first got me opening up was the frustration and anger I felt on Memorial Day. Yes, my brother was an active serviceman when he passed, but that's not why I had a tough day. In fact, the whole Memorial weekend was fairly uneventful and mostly just consisted of drinking margaritas and shopping around with my momma. Rather, it was the fact that the local news that evening chose to run a story on my brother's passing without my family's knowledge or consent. A sort of human interest story on a vet who had passed. While the details of how and why this story came to end up on the news is no longer important, it did teach me a valuable lesson. It made me realize that the reason why I was so upset was that a stranger was telling my family's story and that I could fix the situation, not by getting angry, but rather by taking the responsibility to tell it myself. Pretending like his death didn't happen and not acknowledging this fact out loud doesn't change a single thing and I'm not winning any dignified points by navigating this craziness privately. So here it goes.

Bubba and I at my high school graduation.

 It's been 5 and a half months since my brother's passing and the strongest emotion that I currently feel is confused. Not confused as to how or why he died. I think I've accepted that. Just confused as to the appropriate way to deal with all of this. Sometimes I feel like I'm handling this all a little too well and that I'm coming across as callous. Other times I feel like it's my job to hold it together and be strong and that any deviation from that is selfish and indulgent. But most of the time, I have no idea what to feel. Grief is something that looks and feels different every day and you are constantly having to reassess how to cope and carry it with you. I guess what I have taken away so far is that losing a close family member is bigger, deeper, and more profound than any of us could ever understand and that I will probably spend the rest of my life reevaluating how it has changed me. 

All gown up.

 Finally, I'm compelled to share because of the outpouring of love and support I have received. So many people have come to me with their own stories of loss and I am totally blown away. At first I feel awful that I never knew about this tragedy in their life, but then I'm amazed by the fact that they survived it. I might not be able to see all the little broken bits inside that they are still trying to reassemble, just like me. However, because of that, I can see that they haven't let loss dictate their lives and I am beginning to see that it's OK to not let it. In fact, you almost can't if you want to get up out of bed everyday and keep enjoying life. In the end, I guess it is something that I will have to walk with everyday, but at least I'm still walking.

My special place for Bubba.

Goin' to the chapel.

Wedding posts to come soon!

P.S. Aren't my friends beyond adorable?

'Tis the end of the season.

If you know me at all, you are well aware of my love affair with those dates that fall between September 1st and December 31st. It really is in my most humble opinion the most wonderful time of the year.

You have back-to-school shopping, colors changing, and the glorious, glorious start to college football.

Beautiful, right?!

You also can start wearing all those thick sweaters, boots, pea coats, and scarves that oh so conveniently hide those extra pounds that you put on by consuming all those delicious apple pies, pumpkin breads, spiced ciders, and caramel corn.

Who needs a Yankee candle when you have fall baked goods?

And of course that means the celebration of the ever under-appreciated holiday of Halloween by visiting the corn maze, watching Hocus Pocus, and making the house look festive. 

I was particularly fond of the mini pumpkins on the candle sticks idea that I stole from Pottery Barn (at the Michael's and Trader Joe's price). Also notice the top left photo was taken prior to Hubs' band mates cleaning us out of candy.

After eating our way through November, the house quickly transitions into the winter season. Hubs has a theory that I decorated the house in dark neutrals, blues, golds, and burgundies so that it would always look like Christmas, but I just think it was a lucky chance ;-) 

Being surrounded by all of this beauty and love couldn't have come at a more necessary junction in our lives. The season, and all that it brought, provided so much comfort and solace during the emotional upheavals of this past month.

And so...

...it might be the end of a season, but hopefully a needed inspiration for a fresh January beginning.

Strike a pose.

This past spring, hubs-to-be and I had engagement photos taken by the wonderfully talented and extraordinarily sweet Kaela Lee at Kaela.Mey Photography. I cannot tell you enough about how professional this lady is and how tickled we were with the end product.

Neither hubs-to-be or I adore having our picture taken (I prefer to remain on the taking side), nor can anyone really argue that being photogenic is one of our strong suits. Therefore, having engagement photos taken was not high on the proverbial wedding priority list.

Looking back now, I am so happy we decided to have them done and so grateful that Kaela was able to make us feel totally at ease in the moment. Not only was it a great way for us to become acquainted with the photographer who would be working our wedding, but it also gave us great practice posing and being comfortable in front of the camera. I cannot be a bigger advocate now of having engagement photos done with your photographer before the wedding.

The end product were pictures that perfectly captured who we are and I am so excited for Kaela to be there on our wedding day. (I even used her to help capture bestie's bridal shower!)

And without further ado...